Child Development

Saying Good-bye

"Separation is something we deal with throughout life, from relatively minor losses, like a friend moving away, to the ultimate separation, death. How we handle separation is developed very early in life, literally from the peek-a-boo days when we first deal with the disappearance and reappearance of someone we love. How we help children handle separation, then, is of the first importance and is truly life-shaping" (naeyc, warren, 1977, p. 28)

How each of us handles separation and new situations is as varied as how many of us there are...And this is the same for children. So how do we handle our child's separation anxieties? First and foremost, we must respect the child's fear, and not humiliate, embarrass or deny him/her his/her feelings.

What can we do to ease the transition, and understand your child?

1.Temperament plays a part in the ease or difficulty of the separation. Some love the challenge of meeting new friends and seeing new things. For others each new situation will bring questions and new feelings of anxiety. Listen to your child's cues, allow him/her to silently observe, express her/his concern, fears etc. And be there.

2. Be absolutely comfortable with the preschool you have chosen for your child. If you have misgivings you child is certain to sense your feelings. Speak openly with your teacher about your concerns. Get to know the environment and express your likes about the place and the people.

3. No parent is required to leave before her/his child is ready for him or her to leave. If you can stay, please do. Find a place to sit quietly, allowing your child to move and explore, knowing they can look up to see you "just where they left you" Allow the child/teacher bonding process to develop.

4. Communicate your fears and desires with the teacher. Feel comfortable with the time invested in creating a smooth transition into school. You, your child and the teacher together will develop a plan.

5. Prepare you child. Drive by the school; visit the class the week prior to school to meet the teacher one on one. Arrive at school early to settle yourself and your child prior to the hustle of lots of children and parents arriving at 9 a.m. Talk about the class schedule. Read books to your child about preschool.

6. When you leave, prepare your child and the teacher. Give a "five minute" prep time, then 3, 2 and 1 minute, short trip returning 20-30 min. later. We will mark the clock and relate the time to an event (like at snack time your parent will be back). Be on time! Do not turn around and come back at the first whimper. Your uncertainty will make the separation more difficult. Place your child in the arms of the teacher, allow them to wave good-bye, feel the sadness. We will comfort, and care for your child. We will call you if he/she is inconsolable within the first 10-15 min, however I have found that most children begin to feel safe and join in within a few minutes.

7. Allow your child to bring their comfort item to school. A small piece of a blanket, a picture of you, and or your family. Any thing that brings home to school. One mom put perfume on her child's blanket and when he felt lonely he'd smell the blanket and feel closer to mom. Always encourage your child to place items in and out of their cubby. Getting familiar with their own personal space at school begins the process of "This is MY school" and he/she will be reading their name as well.

8. The more a child can talk about their fears, the easier it becomes to cope with them. When they know ahead of time what's going to happen and what's not going to happen they can think about and get used to their feelings about it. This doesn't mean the child will have the right to make the decision about the school. It means they have the right to their feelings. A quiet conversation, kind of a rehearsal, about the way it's going to happen often allows the child the opportunity to express their feelings. "When we get up we will have breakfast, then get dressed,- you can pick what to wear- and we will drive this way to school and teacher Annie will be waiting." Do not say it all in one breath; provide quiet moments for you child to respond.

9. How parents deal with their child's earliest experiences can effect how he/she will react in situations the rest of their lives. One of the great opportunities of parenthood is to help our children understand their feelings and help them grow into healthy children who understand their fears and feelings.

Adapted from a Bev Bos article 1994, revised by Annie Barker 9/03

Our Special Way of Talking with Children

Ask children: "what's your plan?" often their plan is more creative and appropriate than we anticipate.

Be Positive- Tel the child what to do instead of what not to do: (taking the "No" out of conversation)

Respond to a question with "Yes, as soon as____ " whenever possible Avoid "no, not until____" Both say the same thing but the child responds to the yes message and learns timing and responsibility that way.

When you have a direction that the child really has no choice but to follow, it is unfair to ask them if they "want to" instead, tell them, "It's time to_____".

Praise the act, not the child, Encourage learning!

Watch children from afar giving positive (nonverbal) eye contact, thumbs up, smiles etc. to encourage positive behavior or tasks, Avoid loud conversations across the room.

Tell them when you are pleased with something that they've done. It's important to them to hear what pleases you. "I like it when you _____(hang up your coat, dress yourself, or ask for help)".

Be sincere with praises and thank-you's; model the words rather than correcting their words.

With creative expressions (art, stories, dance-where there is no right answer) help children to reflect back on their own work, their own opinions are what really matter in these instances. Hold up their work, read back their story and ask, "What do you think?" "Are you pleased with your work?" Honor their work.

Children of this age rarely understand sharing, but we can encourage cooperation, giving them words to use to express their needs and then we give them boundaries to assist in postponing immediate gratification.

Admit if you don't know what happened, or who had it (the toy) first. Your job is to facilitate their communication not jump in and solve their problems.

Encourage problem solving with words by listening and responding to the child's immediate concern, showing them that you are concerned.

Allow the child who did the hurting to participate in this conversation- to get the ice, give the hug and say the comfort words, "I'm sorry". Allow the hurt child to decide what kind of comfort they need.

In all interactions remain objective, children do not learn from feeling guilty, they learn from compassionate correction. Sometimes the child who hurt another feels worse than the hurt child. Respect feelings and desires, but also establish acceptable patterns for behavior.

Tell the child as specifically as possible the ways in which their behavior affects those around them.

Don't be manipulated by, anger "I know your mad about ____and when you stop_____ (hitting screaming, biting) I can help".

Don't help by anticipating an event or a child's need, allow children to discover the cause and affect of their actions (so long as it's not dangerous to themselves, their friends or school property).

Keep the No's to a minimum, think yes, yes, yes! There's always enough for everyone. Use the words "stop" to stop a behavior and follow up with conversation.

When we expect the best in children, we receive the best they ca be. Our goal is to create a safe nurturing environment where children receive lots of positive feedback and to enhance their self-esteem and to foster an inspiring place to learn.